Davidology

I miss the big gay ship already. *sigh*

stupid reality always ruining my fun.

 

I'm not sure what it is about Southwest, but I came to a few realizations as I sat waiting in the Las Vegas Southwest terminal waiting to go back home to L.A.

SWA is the airline for kids

...particularly kids traveling by themselves, without guardians. My first flight was riddled with those damned things. They were everywhere! My coworker actually got up and left one seat to move one row behind because of a screaming kid. I mistakenly sat next to a little girl with Down's Syndrome who wouldn't STFU. I just sort sat there trying to answer her billion questions while everyone was boarding around me. I'm sorry, but when you fly you just want to be left the hell alone; but there's no way to ignore the poor abandoned child's annoying and unintelligible questions without being hated by the whole plane. I got through 2 of her questions and then just sat there, earbuds in hand.

Look, I don't give a fuck where you're going. I don't give a fuck where you're from or about your stupid luggage tag that you insist on showing me, and no, you can't see mine because I didn't check bags. WHAT? BECAUSE I DIDN'T! THAT'S WHY! STFU STFU STFU STFU! The barrage continued endlessly for what felt like 10 minutes (but I'm sure it was really 30 seconds). I was totally stunned and wondering what my best course of action was.

I was about to grab her extra chromosome, throw it down the aisle and tell her to go fetch when this angel appeared before me and asked if she could sit bitch. I normally would have been disappointed to have my elbow room taken from me, but I never jumped up so quickly and so cheerfully saying, "Oh, Yes!! YES!" without being naked before in my life. She was amazing. She was my human shield.

My angel fielded the incessant questions. I was now invisible to the little girl. The lovely lady tried in vain to ignore many of her questions, but the girl wasn't having it. She'd repeatedly tap her on the shoulder, "Do you... Do you.... Do you.. Huh? Huh? Huh?" until she finally relented and responded. I kind of felt bad for her. I mean, that bullet was meant for me. I chalked it up to survivor's guilt and continued reading my Blender.

I still had images of the whole ordeal running through my head minutes later. "What would I have done?" I thought. I think I would've lost it as soon as she tapped me. I don't know how to interact with children. I'm neither kid friendly nor mother approved. I probably would have just stood up and started asking if Jack McClellan were on the plane and if he wanted to swap seats with me. By the end of the flight my saviorette looked haggard. I'm not sure what sort of parent sends her down's-impaired child unaccompanied and abandoned on an airline, but there's a special place in hell for her, and it sure as fuck better not be next to mine.

SWA is the official airline for wheelchairapalooza

Southwest is also inexplicably the airline for people in wheelchairs. Seriously so many fucking wheelchairs. It was like a Christopher Reeves fan club conference just let out. Our plane was further delayed because they announced they had 10... TEN "wheelchair customers" to deplane. We had almost as many preboard. Why? How? It's statistically infeasible!

Besides, how the fuck to they get them up the steps to the plane at the Burbank airport??!? I guess I just always just assumed they loaded them in the baggage compartment. I'm telling you, they lie to get preboarding. I don't put anything passed seniors. They know how to work the fucking system.

Alphabet soup

People, especially old ladies, are batshit... BATSHIT insane over the cattle call A,B,C queuing up of Southwest's. Seriously, I told my coworker (she'd never flown big brown bus before), "Watch this. Let's get up and go sit by our letter. Watch what happens." First we just stood up and picked up our bags. Dude, people just start looking—I mean full on looking, slowly starting to clutch their bags, looking at their watches.

Then we made our move to the line and stood there for a few moments before we sat down. You could feel people getting up behind us in our wake. It was like a wave across the crowd as people rose and started lining up. It was nuts, and we were responsible for it happening at that moment. People were visibly annoyed that we moved early, but as another would get up, more would follow. Within like 45 seconds, the line went down to the next gate. Lemmings! Lemmings!!! BWAHAHAHAHA.

I must admit I could get used to having that kind of control over people. This must be how Steve Jobs feels all the time.

Hurry up and wait

The flight was delayed (I know! Southwest? Amazing, right?!?) because of an equipment malfunction with the jetway. We waited for like 20-30 minutes while they kept thanking us for our patience as they were trying to fix it. Suddenly, without notice, they started moving wheelchairs off the jetway at a frenzied pace. I looked out to see them hooking up one of those things to tow the plane. I let out a, "Gah! They're moving us to another gate," which I realized a second later was something you really should keep to yourself.

People around me looked up after I said that, and a stampede started in the direction of the wheelchair convoy. The guy next to us nudges his wife, to the point of pushing her, frantically calling out, "C8, honey! C8!!!"

Suddenly, as the crowd is running, without warning, this old lady totally eats it rushing to the other gate. I mean full on, face down, eating carpet.

She's total fucking road kill.

An alarmed gate attendant rushes to her to help her up, but the stampede doesn't let up. People just step around her on their rush to get in line first at the gate for their harrowing one hour flight. I wish I'd had my phone camera up to start videoing it. You'd be watching on youtube right now with some Benny Hill background music.

After our sprint, we then sat at our new ABC staging area, not moving for another 20 minutes while they moved the plane and the previous tenants of our germ tube could deplane.


I can totally see why the producers of the TV show Airline chose Southwest as the carrier to film. The airline is just totally setup for lulz.

 

On the big brown air bus (SouthWest). Off to SF! (I think there are dinosaurs younger than this plane).


Oh, I just have to get this off my chest: When "mmm Bop" came out, it was totally my favorite song. There, I feel better.

(*whew* that was close. i thought that old lady was going to take the bitch seat between me and the chick at the window. I wants my elbow room!)

Where are my delicious peanuts?

 

So Microsoft released the beta of its new Windows Live Local (formerly VirtualEarth.com) that has low altitude, aerial, birdseye views of major cities to add to their normal satellite imagery. Here are the results of my playing around with Windows Live Local. I bookmarked a few places as I was effing around. Below is the Hollywood Bowl, where I saw Cher and other far less important stuff.

also cool

I've been listening to Pandora.com. It's sort of like Music Plasma where you enter a group, and it algorithmically find similar music to find what you like. Been listening to it for about a week now and liking it.

This weekend...

found me in Palm Springs for our company holiday party where we, teh internets group, won the coveted annual award for just kicking major ass this year. I guess there really is life east of the 5. I'd heard stories, but I'd mostly thought they were urban legends.

Anywho... I forget how many scary places there are as you leave the coast. We stopped at a McDonald's where a very nice, albeit toothless, lady took our order. We also passed a white pickup truck with a "Bush" sticker. You can't help but look to see who it is, as it really does take a special kind of person to still support him AND admit to it. Not to be disappointed, it was a pretty classic moment. Guy with a mullet, dirty t-shirt, and a mustache was behind the wheel. Intelligent design, my ass.

and... guess who's going to Hotlanta?

I think that'll be me. I've heard stories of kick ass clubs and if I get to go out and play, I have high expectations of so much hedonistic and outright debaucherous fun that after Pat Robertson calls for the city to feel the Baby Jesus' wrath.

Got into Las Vegas this evening. I have to say, it's not what I expected. What struck me at first is how clean and new everything is. Of course, Daren tells me this is because we've been isolated in the nicer casinos and hotels. I still don't see the allure of gambling, but I can totally see how one would lose track of time in here. The lights are always kept up, and there's nothing to hint at what time it is (no windows, clocks, etc). In fact, pretty sure I could just live here in the Venetian. The suite is HUGE. HUGE! There's a mall downstairs, spa, pool, 24 hour jacuzzi. The only thing I'm missing is a hot guy, (which I'm sure you could probably order from room service).

Tonight, I think I ate the greatest hamburger of my life.

Hamburger comprised of ground beef, spare ribs, truffles, and a couple other things. It was so beautiful, I took a picture of it.

I can die happy now.

Back home finally. NY Pride was fun. Although, next time I want to try to set things up in advance to meet more people as I swear I mostly hung out with people from L.A. and other friends. I did meet sixpack6_t9, and that night at Therapy was the most fun. His friends are hella chill and fun.

I didn't take the cam, so here last year's pix. Just pretend.

I did find an interesting pair of underwear at a store in Chelsea (can't remember the name). The sales guy was showing us: it has a doo hickey you put your junk in. It actually looks rather uncomfortable, but since my drawer is like the Noah's Ark of underwear, I had to get a pair.



^  You put the lime in the coconut!

As I wandered the city today shopping, I noticed my shirt was mysteriously getting damp without being rained upon. I noticed my body began emitting a salty liquid. I gasped, grabbed hold of Seth and yelled, "OMG. I think I'm perspiring!"

On the up side, I'm saving money. I'm so not in the mood to buy anything much less try on clothes. Well, except at YRB. I'm now the proud owner of a pair of Analog shorts and DC shoes.

I need to go lie down in front of the air conditioner for a while now before I shower 5 times.

Seasons suck.