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Saying the word
Dec. 3rd, 2007 02:46 pmLast night I went to Cracked Christmas by The Trevor Project. I will admit: I was expecting a fun time out with friends, and to that end it delivered. I drank with friends. I stood about a meter from Jodi Foster as she walked in. It was, by all accounts, a fun, gay evening out in the City of Angels.
Alec Mapa's bit had me rolling on the floor laughing. In fact, I don't think I've laughed that hard at a live performance in a while. There was, however, a payload I wasn't expecting, and I've been left distracted, in deep thought since.
It started when Jodi Foster gave an impassioned eulogy for her friend Randy Stone, creator of the movie Trevor. I sat amazed at how many lives this person whom I'd never heard of, producer of a movie I'd never seen, had touched. I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck I've done to make a difference.
But it was an emotional Ground Zero for me when T.R. Knight got up to introduce and give the Trevor Life Award to Ellen Degeneres. He was one of the few of the day's talent who did not read his lines. He spoke from the hip, often in unfinished sentences—his voice cracking as he was visibly trying to maintain his composure as he spoke of the coming out episode of Ellen on April 30, 1997, and how it affected him.
If I hadn't seen the episode, I probably would have cynically and defensively made a joke or gotten up to get another drink. But I remember the episode—vividly. I remember the day. It was a day after which I was never the same person. So I sat there hanging on his every word, somewhat shocked because, unless he was acting, the experience he echoed could have been my own. In fact, it was. I knew how much the episode meant to him as he was explaining it, because it meant that much to me.
I've been asked, as I'm sure every gay person has, "When did you know you were gay?" I always felt weird answering. Friends would tell me, "I knew all my life." But me? I had no such definitive answer. I'd secretly fallen in love with a guy, and even had kissed a guy before I knew. At the time, I couldn't figure out if I were straight and confused, bi, gay, or what, and I'd have happily taken a blood test to find out just to know.
When that Wednesday evening came around, I hung out with friends. When we went our separate ways, I snuck back to my dorm room, turned the TV on as low as it possibly could go and still be audible. I put a towel under the door so no one could hear, plopped myself down centimeters from the TV and hit PLAY.
I watched intently as "Ellen" wrestled with the issue. I remember my right hand was over my mouth, tears welling up in my eyes, as her character rhetorically asked, "Why can't I say the word?"
After the episode was finished, I remember getting up to look in the mirror. I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. I have to tell you, if you've never experienced it, it's an eerie feeling. I saw this fag looking back at me, and I knew. I finally knew. I tried to mouth the words "I'm gay," but had a hard time doing it. When I finally got the word out, I felt relieved, but immediately broke down feeling completely overwhelmed. It was the day I came out to myself, but I couldn't help but know that the life I thought I knew was over, and that I would never be the same person. I never was.
Years later, I found myself sitting right next to Ellen Degeneres at a party. I always had told myself that if I ever had the opportunity to, I wanted to tell her what that episode meant to me. I'm rarely star struck, but that night I was. I wanted so badly to turn to her and just say, "Thank you," but I couldn't. I didn't know if she'd know what the hell I were talking about, and I wasn't sure I could say it without breaking down. Last night, T.R. Knight said the word I couldn't for me—and for all of us, really, who were watching that night that feels like another lifetime ago—to Ellen:
Thanks.
Alec Mapa's bit had me rolling on the floor laughing. In fact, I don't think I've laughed that hard at a live performance in a while. There was, however, a payload I wasn't expecting, and I've been left distracted, in deep thought since.
It started when Jodi Foster gave an impassioned eulogy for her friend Randy Stone, creator of the movie Trevor. I sat amazed at how many lives this person whom I'd never heard of, producer of a movie I'd never seen, had touched. I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck I've done to make a difference.
But it was an emotional Ground Zero for me when T.R. Knight got up to introduce and give the Trevor Life Award to Ellen Degeneres. He was one of the few of the day's talent who did not read his lines. He spoke from the hip, often in unfinished sentences—his voice cracking as he was visibly trying to maintain his composure as he spoke of the coming out episode of Ellen on April 30, 1997, and how it affected him.
If I hadn't seen the episode, I probably would have cynically and defensively made a joke or gotten up to get another drink. But I remember the episode—vividly. I remember the day. It was a day after which I was never the same person. So I sat there hanging on his every word, somewhat shocked because, unless he was acting, the experience he echoed could have been my own. In fact, it was. I knew how much the episode meant to him as he was explaining it, because it meant that much to me.
I've been asked, as I'm sure every gay person has, "When did you know you were gay?" I always felt weird answering. Friends would tell me, "I knew all my life." But me? I had no such definitive answer. I'd secretly fallen in love with a guy, and even had kissed a guy before I knew. At the time, I couldn't figure out if I were straight and confused, bi, gay, or what, and I'd have happily taken a blood test to find out just to know.
When that Wednesday evening came around, I hung out with friends. When we went our separate ways, I snuck back to my dorm room, turned the TV on as low as it possibly could go and still be audible. I put a towel under the door so no one could hear, plopped myself down centimeters from the TV and hit PLAY.
I watched intently as "Ellen" wrestled with the issue. I remember my right hand was over my mouth, tears welling up in my eyes, as her character rhetorically asked, "Why can't I say the word?"
After the episode was finished, I remember getting up to look in the mirror. I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. I have to tell you, if you've never experienced it, it's an eerie feeling. I saw this fag looking back at me, and I knew. I finally knew. I tried to mouth the words "I'm gay," but had a hard time doing it. When I finally got the word out, I felt relieved, but immediately broke down feeling completely overwhelmed. It was the day I came out to myself, but I couldn't help but know that the life I thought I knew was over, and that I would never be the same person. I never was.
Years later, I found myself sitting right next to Ellen Degeneres at a party. I always had told myself that if I ever had the opportunity to, I wanted to tell her what that episode meant to me. I'm rarely star struck, but that night I was. I wanted so badly to turn to her and just say, "Thank you," but I couldn't. I didn't know if she'd know what the hell I were talking about, and I wasn't sure I could say it without breaking down. Last night, T.R. Knight said the word I couldn't for me—and for all of us, really, who were watching that night that feels like another lifetime ago—to Ellen:
Thanks.
When Master Chief gets down on his knees
Nov. 8th, 2007 04:26 pmNow that is just so ridiculously sweet it makes me want to throw up a little.
This must've taken forever to forge. I totally want to catch the spike grenade when she throws it.
This must've taken forever to forge. I totally want to catch the spike grenade when she throws it.
Hazy Shade of Rover
Oct. 23rd, 2007 12:00 pmEverything in my office is a brownish/orangish color from the Sun cutting through the smog from the fires—a nice reminder that with every breath I'm probably taking a few minutes off my life as I inhale the remains of some Malibu socialite's lapdog.
The orange ones really fuck you up.
The orange ones really fuck you up.
R.I.P. 853-1212 / 853-2121
Oct. 22nd, 2007 11:46 amEffective September 19, 2007, the time announcement service has been discontinued. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just dialed it to explain to a newbie coworker how to transfer a call and instead of the comforting, nasally voice of the woman saying, "At the tone, Pacific [Standard | Daylight] Time will be..." I got that recording.
Where the frak am I going to transfer annoying sales people to NOW?!?
This is unsettling. She's just always been there for me. Test calls, place to transfer a sales call, 3-way calls with coworker's voice mail, just for shits and giggles. All the fun we had together, now but a memory. All... gone. She didn't even say "Goodbye."
I guess I still have the 777-FILM / 222-FILM guy.
*sigh*
It's just not the same.
I'll miss you, Time Lady Talker Person.
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday, came suddenly
Why she had to go I don't know
She wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe, In yesterday
Master Chief is sex
Sep. 23rd, 2007 06:18 pmI'm seriously about to piss myself with anticipation for Halo 3 tomorrow night.
It's like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve. It'll get worse for sure once once my Halo 3 countdown widget goes below 1 day. I have to somehow get a full night's sleep tonight, cuz I'm not sure how much I'll get tomorrow night. I plan to be at the store at midnight to pick mine up. I'll probably end up playing until some ungodsly hour. I just can't wait to ride the man cannon again.
...I'm totally taking my Master Chief action figures to work tomorrow.
WEEEEEEEEEE!
It's like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve. It'll get worse for sure once once my Halo 3 countdown widget goes below 1 day. I have to somehow get a full night's sleep tonight, cuz I'm not sure how much I'll get tomorrow night. I plan to be at the store at midnight to pick mine up. I'll probably end up playing until some ungodsly hour. I just can't wait to ride the man cannon again.
...I'm totally taking my Master Chief action figures to work tomorrow.
WEEEEEEEEEE!
Hal Fishman's dead?!
Aug. 7th, 2007 02:38 pmKTLA anchor Hal Fishman dead at 75
By Dennis McLellan, Times Staff Writer
7:55 AM PDT, August 7, 2007
Hal Fishman, the multi-award-winning KTLA-TV Channel 5 news anchor who was a Los Angeles broadcasting fixture for nearly 50 years, died today, the station announced this morning. He was 75.
Damn. I hardly ever watch the news, but that guy's like always been there.
Crazy. What a pisser.
LA Times article
KTLA tribute
Google Rape
Aug. 1st, 2007 10:24 am
I think I was just violated by a Google toilet. Please don't touch me. I think I just need to be alone for a while.
P.S. I think I also frightened the guy in the stall next to me when I let out a little shriek. The "wand cleaner" doesn't do what you think it does.
Thank you, come again!
Jul. 2nd, 2007 02:59 pmMy visit to the Kwik-E-Mart in West Los Angeles.
Yes, today, I queued up at7-11 the Kwik-E-Mart to buy Buzz Cola and take these pics. Sadly, there was no Duff Beer to be found. Links are to my Flickr photoset.
btw- Squishees are disgusting! I'll try the Buzz Cola after I come down from the sugar rush of the Coke-flavored Squishee.
Yes, today, I queued up at
btw- Squishees are disgusting! I'll try the Buzz Cola after I come down from the sugar rush of the Coke-flavored Squishee.
xkcd: n ur reality
May. 21st, 2007 05:54 pmokay, I've srsly been LOLing at this for like 5 minutes (been catching up on my feeds from the weekend; I'm behind).
oh god, i laugh uncontrollably everytime I preview this.
help.
someone make this lollercoaster ride stop. stomach hurts.
oh god, i laugh uncontrollably everytime I preview this.
help.
someone make this lollercoaster ride stop. stomach hurts.
Motorola MOTOROKR S9
Apr. 19th, 2007 06:13 pmSQUEEEEE! Helloooooo, Moto!
Motorola finally released the S9 headphones I've been dying to try out. Unfortunately, my last pair of BT headphones didn't quite live up to their usefulness. The fact is they were simply just too big. I felt like Princess Leah wearing the things. On top of that, they were a little on the heavy side and, well, the needless blinking blue lights on either side made me worry about jets trying to land on my head.
Enter the S9!
These things are, so far, the most practical I've seen. First of all, thery're earbuds, of which I'm a fan. My Sony FONtopias are by far my favorite headphones. They pretty much rawk anything inexpensive I've tried, and the bass is unparalleled in an earbud. Secondly, they're much more nondescript than the last ones. I'm pretty much of the belief that headphones should be heard and not seen.
My music player and earphones aren't fashion statments. I almost never wear white headphones that stand out (unless I'm wearing a white shirt). Otherwise, my little black wires run underneath my shirt and into the pocket where my music device is hidden. Considering there's a battery, charging port, and power switch, these aren't a bad compromise.
Sound Quality
I have to admit, when I first tried them, they sounded pretty bad. I remembered how my FONtopias are very sensitive to positioning, so when I noticed replacement earbuds, I popped off the directional ones and placed the straight ones on. The difference in bass was immediately noticeable, and the sound in general improved 100%. I guess it probably depends on your ears as to which will work best for you, but, although a little big for my ears, the replacement mushroom-looking buds sound much better in my ears. The difference was immediately noticeable and it wasn't subtle. I'm not sure why Motorola preinstalled the other buds, but perhaps my ears are different. I won't say the sound is as good as my FONtopias, but there are a lot of factors that can be influencing the quality. I'm going to try a different music player on my mobile that has an equalizer later.
The buttons to answer calls and pause/play are on either ear. The next track and volume buttons are touch sensitive, so you just have to press your finger against them (this will take a little getting used to as every time I grab them, I'm setting something off).
The mic is embedded somewhere in the right ear bud. [I'll try this out later and fill in how that works]. If it works anything like the HT820s, the mic won't be an issue. When a call comes in, the music of course pauses, and you can take the call right in the headphones. Once the call ends, the music automatically picks up from where it left off.
Another great feature of these, the device can pair with up to 8 different devices! So you can use them as headphones for your computer at work, your cell phones, your notebook at home, home stereo, mp3 player, etc.
Anyway, so far I'm a fan. I'm going to try these out at the gym tonight (if it isn't too cold). It'll be nice to finally put the music playing capabilities of my cell phone to good use.
Oh, yes, and there are no obnoxiously large blinking lights on this one—just a little unobtrusive one that is underneath the battery compartment in the back.
Also, major props to Motorola for carrying this feature over: standard mini-USB charging jack.
[Additional Info -- 2007-04-19 21:49]
I had noticed some clipping on higher frequencies that was disconcerting, however, this appears to be limited to the software on the mobile device. After pairing it to the Windows installation on my ThinkPad, I can say the sound is VERY good for wireless headphones, and I've noticed no clipping at either low or high frequencies. So far this is the only other device I've tried it with. Although I successfully paired it to my Macbook as a headset, Apple's Bluetooth implementation on the Mac is incomplete and does not support the A2DP profile (which is required for stereo over BT).
Motorola finally released the S9 headphones I've been dying to try out. Unfortunately, my last pair of BT headphones didn't quite live up to their usefulness. The fact is they were simply just too big. I felt like Princess Leah wearing the things. On top of that, they were a little on the heavy side and, well, the needless blinking blue lights on either side made me worry about jets trying to land on my head.
Enter the S9!
These things are, so far, the most practical I've seen. First of all, thery're earbuds, of which I'm a fan. My Sony FONtopias are by far my favorite headphones. They pretty much rawk anything inexpensive I've tried, and the bass is unparalleled in an earbud. Secondly, they're much more nondescript than the last ones. I'm pretty much of the belief that headphones should be heard and not seen.
My music player and earphones aren't fashion statments. I almost never wear white headphones that stand out (unless I'm wearing a white shirt). Otherwise, my little black wires run underneath my shirt and into the pocket where my music device is hidden. Considering there's a battery, charging port, and power switch, these aren't a bad compromise.
Sound Quality
I have to admit, when I first tried them, they sounded pretty bad. I remembered how my FONtopias are very sensitive to positioning, so when I noticed replacement earbuds, I popped off the directional ones and placed the straight ones on. The difference in bass was immediately noticeable, and the sound in general improved 100%. I guess it probably depends on your ears as to which will work best for you, but, although a little big for my ears, the replacement mushroom-looking buds sound much better in my ears. The difference was immediately noticeable and it wasn't subtle. I'm not sure why Motorola preinstalled the other buds, but perhaps my ears are different. I won't say the sound is as good as my FONtopias, but there are a lot of factors that can be influencing the quality. I'm going to try a different music player on my mobile that has an equalizer later.
The buttons to answer calls and pause/play are on either ear. The next track and volume buttons are touch sensitive, so you just have to press your finger against them (this will take a little getting used to as every time I grab them, I'm setting something off).
The mic is embedded somewhere in the right ear bud. [I'll try this out later and fill in how that works]. If it works anything like the HT820s, the mic won't be an issue. When a call comes in, the music of course pauses, and you can take the call right in the headphones. Once the call ends, the music automatically picks up from where it left off.
Another great feature of these, the device can pair with up to 8 different devices! So you can use them as headphones for your computer at work, your cell phones, your notebook at home, home stereo, mp3 player, etc.
Anyway, so far I'm a fan. I'm going to try these out at the gym tonight (if it isn't too cold). It'll be nice to finally put the music playing capabilities of my cell phone to good use.
Oh, yes, and there are no obnoxiously large blinking lights on this one—just a little unobtrusive one that is underneath the battery compartment in the back.
Also, major props to Motorola for carrying this feature over: standard mini-USB charging jack.
[Additional Info -- 2007-04-19 21:49]
I had noticed some clipping on higher frequencies that was disconcerting, however, this appears to be limited to the software on the mobile device. After pairing it to the Windows installation on my ThinkPad, I can say the sound is VERY good for wireless headphones, and I've noticed no clipping at either low or high frequencies. So far this is the only other device I've tried it with. Although I successfully paired it to my Macbook as a headset, Apple's Bluetooth implementation on the Mac is incomplete and does not support the A2DP profile (which is required for stereo over BT).
I was playing on Fark today. I got inspiration when I saw this lady. 'Course I was in a rush to a meeting, chopped off a corner of the wheel chair and really fraked up adding part of his arm.
I make drawerings. I pulled out this relic of internets of yore. I wonder what these guys are doing now. Someone really should do a "Where are they now?" of the intarwebs.
I make drawerings. I pulled out this relic of internets of yore. I wonder what these guys are doing now. Someone really should do a "Where are they now?" of the intarwebs.
My Dearest Trader Joe,
Apr. 11th, 2007 05:15 pmIf you introduce one more thing I grow to love and then subsequently take it from me a month later, I swear to Raptor Christ, I will personally fly to the Middle East, dig up the baby Jesus, remove a rusty skewer from his crusty body and stab you in the eye with it, you teasing twat-monkey.
You've toyed with my emotions for the last time!
Signed,
Your loving customer,
David
P.S. bring back the Spicy Veggie & Flaxseed Tortilla Chips or I will totally kill Trader Ming with fire. kthxbye
You've toyed with my emotions for the last time!
Signed,
Your loving customer,
David
P.S. bring back the Spicy Veggie & Flaxseed Tortilla Chips or I will totally kill Trader Ming with fire. kthxbye
TiVo! What's happened to us?!
Mar. 5th, 2007 11:24 amYou should've been recording the new Family Guy yesterday, but the cable box defied your instructions (yet again) and failed to change the channel.
That was bad.
What was worse was what you recorded: something on Country Music Television?!!11 That means, of course, that you were recording something on that station before trying to get Family Guy.
Now, I know I must take part of the blame. After repeating Guided Setup, it's my responsibility to delete all sports, foreign language, and country music stations from your listings. I somehow missed one. But how?! How could you not know me after all these years?
Painfully I pulled up your love notes to me, "TiVo's Suggestions," hoping to see there was some huge error. Maybe you thought that channel was something else? I wanted to believe, but it was too much to hope for. Tears welled up in my eyes as I hysterically hit the red DO NOT WANT button. I must've pressed it 10 times as you complained "BONG! BONG! BONG!" as though I were hurting you. I wanted to hurt you. How could you do this to me?!
After all of these years, I thought you knew me! I thought we had something special!
I'm scared to pull up your suggestions now—afraid I'll find you've been watching college baseball. Or worse: Country music festival college baseball hosted by Dr. Phil in Mandarin.
I don't know. I just... I just need to be alone for a little while. It's like there's a stranger in my bedroom now. It's best we not speak for a while.
That was bad.
What was worse was what you recorded: something on Country Music Television?!!11 That means, of course, that you were recording something on that station before trying to get Family Guy.
Now, I know I must take part of the blame. After repeating Guided Setup, it's my responsibility to delete all sports, foreign language, and country music stations from your listings. I somehow missed one. But how?! How could you not know me after all these years?
Painfully I pulled up your love notes to me, "TiVo's Suggestions," hoping to see there was some huge error. Maybe you thought that channel was something else? I wanted to believe, but it was too much to hope for. Tears welled up in my eyes as I hysterically hit the red DO NOT WANT button. I must've pressed it 10 times as you complained "BONG! BONG! BONG!" as though I were hurting you. I wanted to hurt you. How could you do this to me?!
After all of these years, I thought you knew me! I thought we had something special!
I'm scared to pull up your suggestions now—afraid I'll find you've been watching college baseball. Or worse: Country music festival college baseball hosted by Dr. Phil in Mandarin.
I don't know. I just... I just need to be alone for a little while. It's like there's a stranger in my bedroom now. It's best we not speak for a while.
ONOES! WE HAVE TERRORS!!
Feb. 22nd, 2007 06:06 pmIt's official: we've lost the war on terrah... and it was by friendly fire.
Police blow up CD players that blared in church (via wtf_inc)
Wait until the terrorists learn to combine a Lite-Brite with a CD player. OMG. The horror. The horror.
I made a new threat level indicator for our protection.
Seriously... the inmates are running the asylum. Osama bin Laden (who?!) is in some desert resort laughing his fucking ass off at us right now.
Police blow up CD players that blared in church (via wtf_inc)
SANTA FE, New Mexico (AP) -- Three CD players hidden under a cathedral's pews blared sexually explicit language in the middle of an Ash Wednesday Mass, leading a bomb squad to detonate two of the devices.
Wait until the terrorists learn to combine a Lite-Brite with a CD player. OMG. The horror. The horror.
I made a new threat level indicator for our protection.
Seriously... the inmates are running the asylum. Osama bin Laden (who?!) is in some desert resort laughing his fucking ass off at us right now.
State of the Union v. Groundhog Day
Jan. 25th, 2007 11:04 amI had this IM waiting for me this morning:
I don't know whether to lol or *tear*.
(23:25:43) J***: comparison of the State of the Union address and Groundhog Day: "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication ... while the other involves a groundhog."
I don't know whether to lol or *tear*.
Redefining Sophistry
Jan. 18th, 2007 03:31 pmFrom today's judicial hearings:
I meant by that comment that the Constitution doesn't say that every individual in the United States or every citizen has or is assured the right of habeas corpus. It doesn't say that. It simply says that the right of habeas corpus shall not be suspended."-U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (source)
snow in the motherfucking basin
Jan. 17th, 2007 06:13 pmi'll drive to the snow when i want motherfucking snow. no one called pinkdot and said we wanted snow delivery.
first thunder, then a sudden rain storm, then hail. Now... snow.
It motherfucking snowed in motherfucking Zuma.
Reports of snow flurries at UCLA and at the Ralph's, like 2 minutes away from the office.
this shit better have melted cuz my ass has to drive home. ENOUGH WITH THE COLD ALREADY! it's played. tired. over. done. SCENE!
stop it! now someone warm this bitch back up above 60 so i can go outside without my nipples cutting through my shirt.
first thunder, then a sudden rain storm, then hail. Now... snow.
It motherfucking snowed in motherfucking Zuma.
Reports of snow flurries at UCLA and at the Ralph's, like 2 minutes away from the office.
this shit better have melted cuz my ass has to drive home. ENOUGH WITH THE COLD ALREADY! it's played. tired. over. done. SCENE!
stop it! now someone warm this bitch back up above 60 so i can go outside without my nipples cutting through my shirt.
